My husband and I found out we were expecting again after our unknown miscarriage only one short month later. This was due to extreme effort. In my desperate attempt to heal my broken heart I wanted a baby to take the place of the ones I had to give back to God before I was ready. We told everyone as soon as we found out. We had kept the passing of our baby earlier in the year to our selves because I just could never seem to find the words to say my baby died. We were so excited. In the Back of my mind I kept saying lightening doesn't strike the same place twice. Everything will be fine. This will be my rainbow baby.
I called my OB/GYN as soon as I saw the positive on the pregnancy test. They scheduled me to come in when I was 10 weeks. Since I had only one miscarriage after my "live births" I was low risk. I was so blissful. I was able to have a baby. I knew I could do it. I was women. I knew I was going o prove it to myself that I could have a baby. I was good enough. Everything went great and I milked it a little. I started wearing maternity clothes the moment I found out. I wanted to feel everything as much as I could. I knew the pain of not having a child and this was covering it so well. I felt almost normal.
In September I was at my 8 week mark and it was my husbands birthday and I was planning a big dinner for him. I had just driven 45 minutes to pick him up a salted caramel cheese cake from my hometown. I started bleeding on the way home.
Lightning Never Strikes the Same Place Twice.......right?
I called my OB as soon as I saw the blood. He advised me that it is normal to have some bleeding in the first few weeks. But since I am rH negative I should go to my local labor and delivery and receive a Rhogam shot. I walked in to the hospital and was directed up to get the shot. I was so excited to rub my belly as I walked past the newborns and see the beautiful smiles of everyone coming and going from the wing of the hospital. I was so happy. I was directed to my room and changed in to a gown. The nurse informed m that they needed to draw blood before they could give me the shot. I was fine with that and excited to see what my hormone levels where climbing to.
The bleeding continued and got slightly heaver. I was still chanting Lightening never strikes twice over and over. I knew I would be fine. I read all the blogs, I knew the terminology, I was informed this time. I was going to get my baby. It was my husbands birthday weekend and we were going to have such great family time and an amazing meal. Nothing bad was going to ruin my plans. About 3 hours after my blood was drawn I asked to nurse what my hormone levels were. She told me and I knew they were only at what they should be at the one month mark. They were very low even for that. As soon as she told me this I collapsed on to the floor.
She did not know my dates and this was not my normal hospital so she was looking at me as if I was a mad women. I explained to her in between sobs that I was supposed to be at 8 weeks and was sure on my dates. She understood then and asked how my bleeding was. It had increased. I was broken. They did a transvaginal ultrasound to see if they could tell for sure what was happening. As soon as the screen focused in on the gestational sac I saw that
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Lightning Never Strikes Twice
The Most Common are the Lost and Never Known
If you are a women who has ever had a miscarriage you have heard the statistic that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. The astounding thing to me is that you can have a miscarriage and never even know you where pregnant. This happened to me and changed my whole outlook on my body and life.
This was a different time in my life and I was married and had two "live births", a term which makes my skin crawl to say. The Lord completely blessed me with two perfect babies two and half years apart and a husband who loved us all completely. I could not have been happier. I completing college and working at job I loved. We were as most American families are today far to busy for our own good. We had an event or a gathering almost every night of the week. My husband was following his heart and changing jobs from working on his family farm to becoming a financial advisor. We were just busy going, going, and going all day everyday.
So in May when I missed my period I did not even notice. The thought never crossed my mind. I was going and running around like normal. The in June I began to have the worst period I had ever had. I was cramping and bleeding so heavy I knew something was not right. I called my OB/GYN who delivered both of my daughters and he got me right in for the next morning. I was worried at this because I attended a very busy practice and knew normally I had to wait a week for an opening.
I could hardly sleep the night before because all I was thinking about was how I have something horribly wrong with me. I just kept googling my symptoms and all the results agreed I had cervical cancer. I took that to heart. I knew the next day my doctor would tell me the same thing. I arrived to my doctors office about 15 minutes early hoping to get the awful news over with quickly. I get in to the waiting area and the receptionist gives me the forms to fill out. All very routine, was my insurance still the same and what not. Then I got to the medical history form and it had asked me a question that google never asked. When was my last menstrual cycle?
I had to think about it. I was very regular and always started around the 15th of the month every month since I was 12 when I got my first period. I almost wrote the date down but I knew that wasn't right. I have an app on my phone the tracks my cycles for me and I looked to see if I just blocked it out. There the answer was. No, I had not had a period in May. I was pregnant. I knew it I am never late. I was dumbfounded. I could not believe that I missed this. I sat in shock till the nurse called me back in to the office exam rooms. She did a urine test and the answer was there. Yes, I was pregnant and I should be about along 8 weeks from my last period. The nurse did not congratulate me or act as if this was good news she stayed stone faced and did not look me in the eyes. I had forgotten about the bleeding and the cramping became so distant after hearing the news. The nurse took a blood sample to check my hormone levels. I was asked to wait for the results to come back from the lab. So I sat and thought of how happy my husband was going to be and how proud I was to have such good news.
The labs came back in and showed that I was only about one month in to gestation and that was conflicting with my dates and along with the bleeding lead them to say I was miscarrying. When the doctor shared this news with me. I was so broken. I should have known this was what was happening. I could not be having a healthy pregnancy with the bleeding and cramps why did I allow myself to so happy about this. They shared that I should let things progress naturally and to come in every week and check hormone levels. I was still in shock. In the course of four hours I found out I was pregnant and losing the baby. How could this be happening to me. This thing that was supposed to be in my pasted was coming back and destroying the life I had.
I went home and told my husband what had happened. He was understanding but I believe it was never real to him so the emotions where not as strong as the ones I was sharing. He held me while I cried and rubbed my back when it hurt but he never cried or shared how sad he was about our losing a baby. I knew what this was and I knew that my baby had died in me. I was carrying around a baby I never got to love. I with drew from friends and turned to blogs and the internet to inform me of what to expect and how to heal. There were a few things and they all pointed to writing all my feeling out and trying to conceive again.
I began writing the letter to my perfect little angel baby that I never knew. I stated how much I loved them and how I was crushed to loss them. Then a bomb hit me. I never did this with my first loss. The one all those years ago in the hospital as a young teen getting lectured about how I should not be having sex. I fell to the floor begging this child to forgive me. I felt so consumed by guilt that I feel in to a deep depression. I knew God took my first baby because I was an awful person. I was so completely unfit to be a mother he took my baby. Now that I was a mother and in societies eyes in the right place to have children and I was being punished because I never mourned my lost child.
I wrote page after page of emotions to both of my children in heaven. I wanted them to know I loved them. The pain and shame of my first loss that was never dealt with properly was boiling over and filling my whole life. I hated myself. I just wanted my children here in Earth with me. I needed them. I had two other children I should be able to have these children, my body should be able to carry these children. I could give them a good life full of love and guidance. Pain should never be buried because it is much more volatile when it resurfaces.
I did not share these feeling with anyone except my husband. I knew I was a bad person and could not bare to have others know the guilt I was holding inside. I became so consumed with the idea of proving myself by having a child. I could not stop thinking that if I could have a child I would be fixed. God would have forgiven me and I would be back to my old busy self. So, that is what I did. I tracked and counted and then we conceived.
This was a different time in my life and I was married and had two "live births", a term which makes my skin crawl to say. The Lord completely blessed me with two perfect babies two and half years apart and a husband who loved us all completely. I could not have been happier. I completing college and working at job I loved. We were as most American families are today far to busy for our own good. We had an event or a gathering almost every night of the week. My husband was following his heart and changing jobs from working on his family farm to becoming a financial advisor. We were just busy going, going, and going all day everyday.
So in May when I missed my period I did not even notice. The thought never crossed my mind. I was going and running around like normal. The in June I began to have the worst period I had ever had. I was cramping and bleeding so heavy I knew something was not right. I called my OB/GYN who delivered both of my daughters and he got me right in for the next morning. I was worried at this because I attended a very busy practice and knew normally I had to wait a week for an opening.
I could hardly sleep the night before because all I was thinking about was how I have something horribly wrong with me. I just kept googling my symptoms and all the results agreed I had cervical cancer. I took that to heart. I knew the next day my doctor would tell me the same thing. I arrived to my doctors office about 15 minutes early hoping to get the awful news over with quickly. I get in to the waiting area and the receptionist gives me the forms to fill out. All very routine, was my insurance still the same and what not. Then I got to the medical history form and it had asked me a question that google never asked. When was my last menstrual cycle?
I had to think about it. I was very regular and always started around the 15th of the month every month since I was 12 when I got my first period. I almost wrote the date down but I knew that wasn't right. I have an app on my phone the tracks my cycles for me and I looked to see if I just blocked it out. There the answer was. No, I had not had a period in May. I was pregnant. I knew it I am never late. I was dumbfounded. I could not believe that I missed this. I sat in shock till the nurse called me back in to the office exam rooms. She did a urine test and the answer was there. Yes, I was pregnant and I should be about along 8 weeks from my last period. The nurse did not congratulate me or act as if this was good news she stayed stone faced and did not look me in the eyes. I had forgotten about the bleeding and the cramping became so distant after hearing the news. The nurse took a blood sample to check my hormone levels. I was asked to wait for the results to come back from the lab. So I sat and thought of how happy my husband was going to be and how proud I was to have such good news.
The labs came back in and showed that I was only about one month in to gestation and that was conflicting with my dates and along with the bleeding lead them to say I was miscarrying. When the doctor shared this news with me. I was so broken. I should have known this was what was happening. I could not be having a healthy pregnancy with the bleeding and cramps why did I allow myself to so happy about this. They shared that I should let things progress naturally and to come in every week and check hormone levels. I was still in shock. In the course of four hours I found out I was pregnant and losing the baby. How could this be happening to me. This thing that was supposed to be in my pasted was coming back and destroying the life I had.
I went home and told my husband what had happened. He was understanding but I believe it was never real to him so the emotions where not as strong as the ones I was sharing. He held me while I cried and rubbed my back when it hurt but he never cried or shared how sad he was about our losing a baby. I knew what this was and I knew that my baby had died in me. I was carrying around a baby I never got to love. I with drew from friends and turned to blogs and the internet to inform me of what to expect and how to heal. There were a few things and they all pointed to writing all my feeling out and trying to conceive again.
I began writing the letter to my perfect little angel baby that I never knew. I stated how much I loved them and how I was crushed to loss them. Then a bomb hit me. I never did this with my first loss. The one all those years ago in the hospital as a young teen getting lectured about how I should not be having sex. I fell to the floor begging this child to forgive me. I felt so consumed by guilt that I feel in to a deep depression. I knew God took my first baby because I was an awful person. I was so completely unfit to be a mother he took my baby. Now that I was a mother and in societies eyes in the right place to have children and I was being punished because I never mourned my lost child.
I wrote page after page of emotions to both of my children in heaven. I wanted them to know I loved them. The pain and shame of my first loss that was never dealt with properly was boiling over and filling my whole life. I hated myself. I just wanted my children here in Earth with me. I needed them. I had two other children I should be able to have these children, my body should be able to carry these children. I could give them a good life full of love and guidance. Pain should never be buried because it is much more volatile when it resurfaces.
I did not share these feeling with anyone except my husband. I knew I was a bad person and could not bare to have others know the guilt I was holding inside. I became so consumed with the idea of proving myself by having a child. I could not stop thinking that if I could have a child I would be fixed. God would have forgiven me and I would be back to my old busy self. So, that is what I did. I tracked and counted and then we conceived.
Monday, July 7, 2014
The Long Road to Understanding
I have decided that I would share my story of loss with the world. I have spent many years hiding the pain and anger away from everyone. I am a women who has had four miscarriages, I am no longer hiding from this fact. I have come to terms with the label and now accept it as a badge of courage and strength. I am hoping to share my pain in hopes that I will be able to educate and empower women as a whole.
I never heard of miscarriage until I had my first. I was not informed on the choices and options that a mother has even after suffering a great loss. I was lead to think this was something that no one wanted to hear or believe was happening. This is false. Women every where want to tell their stories. It is birth of one of your children after all. We made life and had to return it to quickly, but it was there no the less. It was real, the baby was and is real. I had first miscarriage when I was 14 years old. I knew I was to young to care for a baby, but my pain was real I deserved to feel it. That sentence has taken years to be able to write. Then by the grace of God I was given two babies to have on Earth and call my own. I had a perfectly normal pregnancy and gave birth to a 8lbs. 21 inch baby girl then two years later had an other perfect pregnancy where I had a 8lbs 9oz 21 1/4 inch long baby girl. They are the light of my life. I was beyond happy and whole heartedly believed that my miscarriage in the past was far behind me never to show its ugly head again.
I was wrong. My husband and I have always wanted a large family so began to try for our third. We got pregnant very quickly and were so thrilled. Then at 8 weeks we lost our angel. We were crushed. We waited and tried again got pregnant 3 months after our loss. I knew that lightening would not strike twice so I was calm and happy. We went to out doctor for our 8 week appointment and found out our HCG level were far to low and we would shortly miscarry. We did at 9 weeks with our angel. We were so lost at this point. I was a mess and my husband was crushed. Then we became obsessed with getting pregnant and we got our wish. We found out in Oct. of 2013 that we were expecting. We were scared but we passed the 8 week mark fine then the 12 week mark and we knew we would be fine. Everyone knows after firs trimester your fine right,,,,, well we were not. We lost our babies at 15 weeks, a set of identical twins.
I will write more detailed accounts of each miscarriage in posts t follow. The emotional pain that sharing these stories is to much for one day. I want toe educate women and bring light to a hidden pain of our gender. I want to have my daughters educated about this so they know how to handle the pain if they must one day. If and I pray they never do I want them to be able to understand what someone is going through. I hope to hear stories and see how others have handled to pain of losing a child. Healing will happen it takes time.
I never heard of miscarriage until I had my first. I was not informed on the choices and options that a mother has even after suffering a great loss. I was lead to think this was something that no one wanted to hear or believe was happening. This is false. Women every where want to tell their stories. It is birth of one of your children after all. We made life and had to return it to quickly, but it was there no the less. It was real, the baby was and is real. I had first miscarriage when I was 14 years old. I knew I was to young to care for a baby, but my pain was real I deserved to feel it. That sentence has taken years to be able to write. Then by the grace of God I was given two babies to have on Earth and call my own. I had a perfectly normal pregnancy and gave birth to a 8lbs. 21 inch baby girl then two years later had an other perfect pregnancy where I had a 8lbs 9oz 21 1/4 inch long baby girl. They are the light of my life. I was beyond happy and whole heartedly believed that my miscarriage in the past was far behind me never to show its ugly head again.
I was wrong. My husband and I have always wanted a large family so began to try for our third. We got pregnant very quickly and were so thrilled. Then at 8 weeks we lost our angel. We were crushed. We waited and tried again got pregnant 3 months after our loss. I knew that lightening would not strike twice so I was calm and happy. We went to out doctor for our 8 week appointment and found out our HCG level were far to low and we would shortly miscarry. We did at 9 weeks with our angel. We were so lost at this point. I was a mess and my husband was crushed. Then we became obsessed with getting pregnant and we got our wish. We found out in Oct. of 2013 that we were expecting. We were scared but we passed the 8 week mark fine then the 12 week mark and we knew we would be fine. Everyone knows after firs trimester your fine right,,,,, well we were not. We lost our babies at 15 weeks, a set of identical twins.
I will write more detailed accounts of each miscarriage in posts t follow. The emotional pain that sharing these stories is to much for one day. I want toe educate women and bring light to a hidden pain of our gender. I want to have my daughters educated about this so they know how to handle the pain if they must one day. If and I pray they never do I want them to be able to understand what someone is going through. I hope to hear stories and see how others have handled to pain of losing a child. Healing will happen it takes time.
Miscarriage: Undeserving of Grief
During the first miscarriage I was a 14 year old who found herself with a very unplanned pregnancy in November of 2004. This was resulting from my first boyfriend and I being far to under educated on safe sex. I was young and was not ready to become a mother. I lived with my father in a very run down trailer in a small town in rural Missouri. He was emotionally unwell and when I told him of the pregnancy, he erupted with anger at me. I was informed that he knew this would happen to me. I was crushed. He would not even look at me. The only support I had at home was my younger sister who came between my father and me during his rage. She defend me, she told me she was happy to be an aunt. The bond that was formed during this time has never been forgotten. With little support at home I clung to my boyfriend and his amazing family. They were of course very disappointed at first, as all parents are I believe. His mother had taken the time to inform us on what could happen if we did not use protection during sex. She shared her own story with us. She had faced the same situation we were now in. She knew what we would have ahead of us. After the shock had worn off his parents began to inform my boyfriend and I what choices we had. We talked about all the options adoption, becoming parents, and abortion. My father was very pro-life and apposed to adoption , and as a young girl I did not know I had a choice in the matter. So, my boyfriend and I decided that we should take the responsibility on ourselves and become parents. We were so young and knew love was all we needed to make our new family work. We became so proud of the baby that we had made. We picked out names, Matthew Allen if was a boy and Emma Jade if it was a girl.
We did everything how we thought we should. We made the doctors appointments, we started saving money, we found gender natural clothing for the baby at second hand stores. We felt as if we were going t be ok. Until one night in January on 2005, I was staying the night at my boyfriends house and I started bleeding. The doctors had told me that this may happened because I was so young and not to worry. So, I went on about my life going to high school and trying to get ready to be a mother. The bleeding lasted about a week before I told an adult women that worked at my school who had been through miscarriage before what was happening. She informed me that I needed to get my things and she would call my father. My father did not answer so she went to my house at made him come take me to the hospital. This was a blessing sent from God because not 30 minutes after I was taken back in to the ER room I began to bleed very heavily. I was so scared. I knew that this was not good. My body began to take over and I could sense that this was not what was should be happening. I was still not told I was losing the small baby inside me.
I was treated by very well trained doctors and nurses but all of them kept telling me that I was to young to have children. One doctor came in to give me pain medicine and told me that I needed to feel this pain because labor would be much worse and maybe I would remember I was to young to be a mother. I knew I was to young.... I knew that I was losing my baby at this point and the pain mixed with anger began to grow inside me. I believed that I deserved to loss this baby because there were so many women who wanted babies and could have them that a dumb teenager should not be allowed to have hers. I passed out in the bathroom of the ER with that thought in my head and the OB/GYN decided that I should be given a D and C. Which is a procedure where you are put under general anesthesia and the contents of your uterus are removed. The last thing I remember is trying to help clean up the blood that was on the table before I feel asleep.
I woke up with my father in the post-op room. He was being very cold but trying to make conversation. He asked me how I felt and I informed him fine. At this time in my life I did feel fine. I knew that the baby I could not care for was being provided for. I knew that my life would go back to the normal I knew before the miscarriage. I returned to school about a week later. None of my peers asked about what had happened and only one school staff asked. She was the high school counselor, she shared with me that she has been through the same thing with her husband and if I needed to talk she was there for me. This women and her family would come to play a massive role in my life later, but at this time she was just a kind women who was not talking down to me about losing my baby she was comparing my loss to hers. She had lost a baby while married and she was saying my loss was just as painful.
This was a moment in time that changed my outlook. I did not deserve to loss my baby because I was young and unprepared. My loss of a child was just as important as anyone's. I did not learn this until many years later. At the moment it gave me peace. I knew I was supported by someone. I grew to understand that this was God's will for me. I knew I needed to finish high school and go to college. I knew by God raising my child I was able to become a stronger women for any children I might have some day. So I took my pain and I hid it deep inside where I thought I would never have to face it again.
I have emotionally zapped myself with this retelling of old pain. I do feel lighter and I have hope that this will help someone. Young moms, moms not in perfect situations, moms who struggle please know that your pain is just as true and important as mothers who have everything society thinks you need to have a child. Your pain is real. You lost a baby. I am sorry and I hope you know that you are a child of God. You are loved.
We did everything how we thought we should. We made the doctors appointments, we started saving money, we found gender natural clothing for the baby at second hand stores. We felt as if we were going t be ok. Until one night in January on 2005, I was staying the night at my boyfriends house and I started bleeding. The doctors had told me that this may happened because I was so young and not to worry. So, I went on about my life going to high school and trying to get ready to be a mother. The bleeding lasted about a week before I told an adult women that worked at my school who had been through miscarriage before what was happening. She informed me that I needed to get my things and she would call my father. My father did not answer so she went to my house at made him come take me to the hospital. This was a blessing sent from God because not 30 minutes after I was taken back in to the ER room I began to bleed very heavily. I was so scared. I knew that this was not good. My body began to take over and I could sense that this was not what was should be happening. I was still not told I was losing the small baby inside me.
I was treated by very well trained doctors and nurses but all of them kept telling me that I was to young to have children. One doctor came in to give me pain medicine and told me that I needed to feel this pain because labor would be much worse and maybe I would remember I was to young to be a mother. I knew I was to young.... I knew that I was losing my baby at this point and the pain mixed with anger began to grow inside me. I believed that I deserved to loss this baby because there were so many women who wanted babies and could have them that a dumb teenager should not be allowed to have hers. I passed out in the bathroom of the ER with that thought in my head and the OB/GYN decided that I should be given a D and C. Which is a procedure where you are put under general anesthesia and the contents of your uterus are removed. The last thing I remember is trying to help clean up the blood that was on the table before I feel asleep.
I woke up with my father in the post-op room. He was being very cold but trying to make conversation. He asked me how I felt and I informed him fine. At this time in my life I did feel fine. I knew that the baby I could not care for was being provided for. I knew that my life would go back to the normal I knew before the miscarriage. I returned to school about a week later. None of my peers asked about what had happened and only one school staff asked. She was the high school counselor, she shared with me that she has been through the same thing with her husband and if I needed to talk she was there for me. This women and her family would come to play a massive role in my life later, but at this time she was just a kind women who was not talking down to me about losing my baby she was comparing my loss to hers. She had lost a baby while married and she was saying my loss was just as painful.
This was a moment in time that changed my outlook. I did not deserve to loss my baby because I was young and unprepared. My loss of a child was just as important as anyone's. I did not learn this until many years later. At the moment it gave me peace. I knew I was supported by someone. I grew to understand that this was God's will for me. I knew I needed to finish high school and go to college. I knew by God raising my child I was able to become a stronger women for any children I might have some day. So I took my pain and I hid it deep inside where I thought I would never have to face it again.
I have emotionally zapped myself with this retelling of old pain. I do feel lighter and I have hope that this will help someone. Young moms, moms not in perfect situations, moms who struggle please know that your pain is just as true and important as mothers who have everything society thinks you need to have a child. Your pain is real. You lost a baby. I am sorry and I hope you know that you are a child of God. You are loved.
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