During the first miscarriage I was a 14 year old who found herself with a very unplanned pregnancy in November of 2004. This was resulting from my first boyfriend and I being far to under educated on safe sex. I was young and was not ready to become a mother. I lived with my father in a very run down trailer in a small town in rural Missouri. He was emotionally unwell and when I told him of the pregnancy, he erupted with anger at me. I was informed that he knew this would happen to me. I was crushed. He would not even look at me. The only support I had at home was my younger sister who came between my father and me during his rage. She defend me, she told me she was happy to be an aunt. The bond that was formed during this time has never been forgotten. With little support at home I clung to my boyfriend and his amazing family. They were of course very disappointed at first, as all parents are I believe. His mother had taken the time to inform us on what could happen if we did not use protection during sex. She shared her own story with us. She had faced the same situation we were now in. She knew what we would have ahead of us. After the shock had worn off his parents began to inform my boyfriend and I what choices we had. We talked about all the options adoption, becoming parents, and abortion. My father was very pro-life and apposed to adoption , and as a young girl I did not know I had a choice in the matter. So, my boyfriend and I decided that we should take the responsibility on ourselves and become parents. We were so young and knew love was all we needed to make our new family work. We became so proud of the baby that we had made. We picked out names, Matthew Allen if was a boy and Emma Jade if it was a girl.
We did everything how we thought we should. We made the doctors appointments, we started saving money, we found gender natural clothing for the baby at second hand stores. We felt as if we were going t be ok. Until one night in January on 2005, I was staying the night at my boyfriends house and I started bleeding. The doctors had told me that this may happened because I was so young and not to worry. So, I went on about my life going to high school and trying to get ready to be a mother. The bleeding lasted about a week before I told an adult women that worked at my school who had been through miscarriage before what was happening. She informed me that I needed to get my things and she would call my father. My father did not answer so she went to my house at made him come take me to the hospital. This was a blessing sent from God because not 30 minutes after I was taken back in to the ER room I began to bleed very heavily. I was so scared. I knew that this was not good. My body began to take over and I could sense that this was not what was should be happening. I was still not told I was losing the small baby inside me.
I was treated by very well trained doctors and nurses but all of them kept telling me that I was to young to have children. One doctor came in to give me pain medicine and told me that I needed to feel this pain because labor would be much worse and maybe I would remember I was to young to be a mother. I knew I was to young.... I knew that I was losing my baby at this point and the pain mixed with anger began to grow inside me. I believed that I deserved to loss this baby because there were so many women who wanted babies and could have them that a dumb teenager should not be allowed to have hers. I passed out in the bathroom of the ER with that thought in my head and the OB/GYN decided that I should be given a D and C. Which is a procedure where you are put under general anesthesia and the contents of your uterus are removed. The last thing I remember is trying to help clean up the blood that was on the table before I feel asleep.
I woke up with my father in the post-op room. He was being very cold but trying to make conversation. He asked me how I felt and I informed him fine. At this time in my life I did feel fine. I knew that the baby I could not care for was being provided for. I knew that my life would go back to the normal I knew before the miscarriage. I returned to school about a week later. None of my peers asked about what had happened and only one school staff asked. She was the high school counselor, she shared with me that she has been through the same thing with her husband and if I needed to talk she was there for me. This women and her family would come to play a massive role in my life later, but at this time she was just a kind women who was not talking down to me about losing my baby she was comparing my loss to hers. She had lost a baby while married and she was saying my loss was just as painful.
This was a moment in time that changed my outlook. I did not deserve to loss my baby because I was young and unprepared. My loss of a child was just as important as anyone's. I did not learn this until many years later. At the moment it gave me peace. I knew I was supported by someone. I grew to understand that this was God's will for me. I knew I needed to finish high school and go to college. I knew by God raising my child I was able to become a stronger women for any children I might have some day. So I took my pain and I hid it deep inside where I thought I would never have to face it again.
I have emotionally zapped myself with this retelling of old pain. I do feel lighter and I have hope that this will help someone. Young moms, moms not in perfect situations, moms who struggle please know that your pain is just as true and important as mothers who have everything society thinks you need to have a child. Your pain is real. You lost a baby. I am sorry and I hope you know that you are a child of God. You are loved.
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