If you are a women who has ever had a miscarriage you have heard the statistic that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. The astounding thing to me is that you can have a miscarriage and never even know you where pregnant. This happened to me and changed my whole outlook on my body and life.
This was a different time in my life and I was married and had two "live births", a term which makes my skin crawl to say. The Lord completely blessed me with two perfect babies two and half years apart and a husband who loved us all completely. I could not have been happier. I completing college and working at job I loved. We were as most American families are today far to busy for our own good. We had an event or a gathering almost every night of the week. My husband was following his heart and changing jobs from working on his family farm to becoming a financial advisor. We were just busy going, going, and going all day everyday.
So in May when I missed my period I did not even notice. The thought never crossed my mind. I was going and running around like normal. The in June I began to have the worst period I had ever had. I was cramping and bleeding so heavy I knew something was not right. I called my OB/GYN who delivered both of my daughters and he got me right in for the next morning. I was worried at this because I attended a very busy practice and knew normally I had to wait a week for an opening.
I could hardly sleep the night before because all I was thinking about was how I have something horribly wrong with me. I just kept googling my symptoms and all the results agreed I had cervical cancer. I took that to heart. I knew the next day my doctor would tell me the same thing. I arrived to my doctors office about 15 minutes early hoping to get the awful news over with quickly. I get in to the waiting area and the receptionist gives me the forms to fill out. All very routine, was my insurance still the same and what not. Then I got to the medical history form and it had asked me a question that google never asked. When was my last menstrual cycle?
I had to think about it. I was very regular and always started around the 15th of the month every month since I was 12 when I got my first period. I almost wrote the date down but I knew that wasn't right. I have an app on my phone the tracks my cycles for me and I looked to see if I just blocked it out. There the answer was. No, I had not had a period in May. I was pregnant. I knew it I am never late. I was dumbfounded. I could not believe that I missed this. I sat in shock till the nurse called me back in to the office exam rooms. She did a urine test and the answer was there. Yes, I was pregnant and I should be about along 8 weeks from my last period. The nurse did not congratulate me or act as if this was good news she stayed stone faced and did not look me in the eyes. I had forgotten about the bleeding and the cramping became so distant after hearing the news. The nurse took a blood sample to check my hormone levels. I was asked to wait for the results to come back from the lab. So I sat and thought of how happy my husband was going to be and how proud I was to have such good news.
The labs came back in and showed that I was only about one month in to gestation and that was conflicting with my dates and along with the bleeding lead them to say I was miscarrying. When the doctor shared this news with me. I was so broken. I should have known this was what was happening. I could not be having a healthy pregnancy with the bleeding and cramps why did I allow myself to so happy about this. They shared that I should let things progress naturally and to come in every week and check hormone levels. I was still in shock. In the course of four hours I found out I was pregnant and losing the baby. How could this be happening to me. This thing that was supposed to be in my pasted was coming back and destroying the life I had.
I went home and told my husband what had happened. He was understanding but I believe it was never real to him so the emotions where not as strong as the ones I was sharing. He held me while I cried and rubbed my back when it hurt but he never cried or shared how sad he was about our losing a baby. I knew what this was and I knew that my baby had died in me. I was carrying around a baby I never got to love. I with drew from friends and turned to blogs and the internet to inform me of what to expect and how to heal. There were a few things and they all pointed to writing all my feeling out and trying to conceive again.
I began writing the letter to my perfect little angel baby that I never knew. I stated how much I loved them and how I was crushed to loss them. Then a bomb hit me. I never did this with my first loss. The one all those years ago in the hospital as a young teen getting lectured about how I should not be having sex. I fell to the floor begging this child to forgive me. I felt so consumed by guilt that I feel in to a deep depression. I knew God took my first baby because I was an awful person. I was so completely unfit to be a mother he took my baby. Now that I was a mother and in societies eyes in the right place to have children and I was being punished because I never mourned my lost child.
I wrote page after page of emotions to both of my children in heaven. I wanted them to know I loved them. The pain and shame of my first loss that was never dealt with properly was boiling over and filling my whole life. I hated myself. I just wanted my children here in Earth with me. I needed them. I had two other children I should be able to have these children, my body should be able to carry these children. I could give them a good life full of love and guidance. Pain should never be buried because it is much more volatile when it resurfaces.
I did not share these feeling with anyone except my husband. I knew I was a bad person and could not bare to have others know the guilt I was holding inside. I became so consumed with the idea of proving myself by having a child. I could not stop thinking that if I could have a child I would be fixed. God would have forgiven me and I would be back to my old busy self. So, that is what I did. I tracked and counted and then we conceived.
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